A Florida Guide To: Aging


Published on September 16, 2016

As we age, we hope that we can enjoy our golden years gracefully. And what better place to wait for death than the American prolapse known as Florida?

Come to the sunshine state and see how to age properly in this Florida guide!

The first thing to remember about Florida style aging is that you have to fight the urge to let your behavior and appearance reveal how old you actually are. Once you hit 55 you should dress according to the following simple equation: 55 - (Your actual age - 55 multiplied by 2). Let me explain: By this math, if you are 60, you should be dressing like you are 45. By the time you are 70, you should dress like a 25 year old. And once you hit 80, you should dress (and probably behave) like you are 5 years old.

Now let's talk about skin care. This is important at any age, but skin health becomes even more important the older you get. In Florida, the older you are, the more brown and oily you should look. A 60 year old caucasian man for example should take on the appearance of wet mahogany. If you take great pride in the browness and oilyness of your skin, it will distract people from your ever increasing wrinkly texture and patches of strangely placed body hair.

If you can afford it, you don't have to worry about wrinkles and hair at all! Because Florida is loaded with fly-by-night surgeons and beauty salons that will smooth you out and polish you down until you look like some sort of smooth, hairless hotdog person.

And for the ladies?

Don't let gravity get you down. Florida has plenty of plastic to go around, so you can tuck and lift your parts until you're completely unrecognizable by science.

Finally, your behavior.

In most parts of the world, the elderly are respected members of their communities who can offer wisdom and advice to younger generations. In Florida you don't have to worry about icky responsibilities like that. You are never too old to get shit faced and pass out on the beach, or go to a dance club and make men young enough to be your grandson seek refuge.

Enjoy your life and go out with a bang... in Florida!

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