A Florida Guide To: Driving


Published on February 14, 2016

If you've ever been to Florida and had the pleasure of piloting a motor vehicle, you know that the rules of the road seem scant at best. Well my friend, this is not true! The rules are there, they are just different than you are probably used to.

If you are driving on one of our beautiful and incredibly safe highways, you need to know a few things. First, the posted speed limit is really more of a recommended minimum. For safety's sake, you should generally drive 20 - 30 miles per hour faster than this. If you want to drive slower than the speed limit, this is also fine! Just make sure you drive in the middle lane allowing people to get around you in the proper left and right passing lanes.

Avoid using your turn signals. In Florida, it is so sunny out most of the time that any added light can be dangerous to other drivers vision. Instead of blinkers, make a lane change or sharp right turn at the last minute, preferably with another driver 5 - 6 feet behind you. They will appreciate your efficiency and concern for their eyes. Try to screech your tires during turns as well so that drivers and pedestrians will know you are about to drive down their street.

If you happen to be driving a large vehicle such as a van or SUV, make sure to pilot your top heavy death machine properly; like a race car! Zip around corners, cut people off, make abrupt speed changes and be sure to impress everyone else on the road with your precarious technique and disregard for their well-being.

It is important to note intersections, particularly four-way stops. These work much differently in Florida than most other places. Four way-stops are traditionally resolved based on a first come, first go process. Floridians however find this method to be so much more impersonal than it needs to be. In Florida, pull up to the stop sign and make hand gestures at the other drivers. Honk a little, interact! Eventually someone, or maybe multiple someones, will step on the gas and speed through.

Finally, it is important to mention the elusive Florida pedestrian. They are rare, but they are dangerous, and they are your enemy. Did you know that stopping briefly to let a pedestrian cross the street can add up to 10 seconds to your travel time? It's true! So DO NOT stop for these troublemakers. Speed up if it looks like they are about to cross, and treat them like a cone at a driving course if they are already crossing. Scare them a little and they'll think twice about walking next time they need to go somewhere.

NOTE: This is a humorous, sarcastic article not intended to be taken as actual driving advice. If you take it as such, you are an idiot.

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