I Ate a Luther Burger And It Ruined My Night

Humor
Travel & Food

Published on January 28, 2016

I love to eat, and I guess with this obsession comes a bit of a fascination with food shows. You know the ones; where average American guys travel around the country eating plates of food that could feed an entire third-world village for a week.

Well, if you enjoy these displays of true American gastronomical dominance, you're probably aware of the Luther Burger. If you don't know about this beast of a meal, all you really need to know is that it is a hamburger topped with varying levels of unhealthy accoutrements where two glazed doughnuts replace the hamburger bun. If you're still having trouble picturing this monstrosity, I implore you to assess the following diagram:

Luther burger diagram

As you can see, it's the type of thing incredibly obese people eat when they have cheat meals.

So anyway, I was recently fully engaged in an evening of drinking with friends when the ubiquitous late night liquor hunger struck. We ended up at a local pub that happened to have a Luther Burger available, and I just had to try it!

10:30pm
I am presented with a plate containing what had to be in excess of 2000 calories of beef, bacon, egg and cheese, wrapped in doughnuts and accompanied by fries.

11:00pm
One of my companions tells me how proud he will be to see me finish this mass of food. Not to turn down a challenge, I keep stretching my stomach.

11:15pm
Against my best understanding of the laws of physics, I manage to shovel every last morsel into my gullet to settle like Playdough in my stomach.

11:30pm
Within 20 minutes, I am regretting my decision to take on this legendary menu item. I feel incredibly full and sick. I would say it feels like I have just eaten a large Thanksgiving spread, and then walked to my neighbor's for another. I also feel woozy and tired. But the sensation that is the strangest is that I literally feel like the arteries in my neck are being compressed, thus cutting off blood to my brain and causing what I will now and forever dub as confoodsion.

12:00am My feeling of fullness and lethargy not improving, I tell my companions that I need to call it a night. I go home.

1:00am Usually when I eat too much, within an hour or two I feel at least a little better. But with the Luther Burger, I just feel sicker and sicker. Maybe I can sleep it off?

1:30am I lay down and try and sleep. My mind is racing and my stomach is angry. I toss and turn.

4:00am As time goes on, and I fruitlessly try to sleep through my discomfort, it only gets worse. I now have a headache and the worst heartburn I've ever experienced. I am also incredibly nauseous, and I am laying about an inch from the edge of the bed, fearing an impending vomit explosion. On top of all this, I am experiencing a strange sense of impending doom. A little bit depression, a little bit fear, it is reminiscent of a bad trip.

4:30am Suddenly, I realize that I have to poop. I get up and take a massive dump. I can't imagine that this is actually the digested burger in any way, but I suspect the amount of mass in my upper digestive system is putting undue pressure on the lower half. I go back to my bed and finally sleep for awhile.

The Next Day Though I had been drinking the night before, my meal had prematurely ended that process before a point that could give me a hangover. However, I feel hungover. I feel sad, tired and weak for most of the day. Like my body had used so much energy processing that beastly sandwich and it's demon fries that it couldn't differentiate between digestion and running a marathon.

I eventually recover, but I learned some very important lessons throughout the process:

  1. Food shows are not as real as they seem.
  2. I'm not cut out to take on the Luther Burger.
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