We once again present a collection of true stories, the hilarity and irreverence of which can only result from everyone's favorite bodily function.
R - Male - Maine
I had a long day and when it finally came time for me to sleep I was absolutely pooped (excuse the pun). Without paying much attention to what I was doing, I threw on a pair of sweat pants that were lying on a chair and climbed into bed next to my girlfriend. I fell asleep instantly.
The next morning, I woke up and rolled out of bed, making my way towards the bathroom. Suddenly I heard my girlfriend yelling "What the fuck is this?".
I quickly walked back towards the bedroom to see her staring in shock at a brown stain on the sheets.
"You shit the bed?" she was yelling, and in my morning stupor, I thought I had.
But, there's a twist. It turns out I had fallen asleep with a snickers bar in my back pocket, which of course had melted, giving the impression that I had indeed shit the bed.
Thankfully I hadn't... this time.
P - Female - Colombia
I was invited out to dinner with a couple of the higher ups in my company. I was of course a bit nervous about this in the first place, but it didn't help that my stomach had been bothering me a bit all day. I managed to fight the constant urge to fart until the very last minute when we were leaving, at which point I couldn't help but slip one out. I thought I was in the clear, but it followed us to the car. One of the women with us started sniffing, and stopped us.
"It smells like poop. Hold on, I need to check my shoes, I think I stepped in dog poop."
Knowing the truth about what she was smelling, I tried to act calm, and thankfully no one realized it was me.
F - Male - Florida
Several years ago, at the height of my mid-twenties drinking marathon, I was having a particularly sloppy night with my roommates and some friends. As these things usually go, a point came where communicating and keeping my eyes open became an impossibility so I made my way into my bedroom to sleep.
Before I went to bed I managed to wobble over to the bathroom to pee. Motor skills not functioning at peak capacity, I pulled my pants all the way around my ankles and leaned with one arm against the wall. I started to pee, but I guess I pushed a little too hard, because I felt a greasy little blob fly out of my butt. Too drunk to do anything substantial about this situation, I tossed my underwear in the shower and climbed into bed. Pretty sure those underwear stayed there for a good week before I actually did anything about them.